Mixed Feelings

I had my last walk back from Campus today with Ridley attached. I was exhausted, there is part of me that is incredibly relieved that it all ends tomorrow; however there is also another that is despondent to the idea. Ridley has become part of my life in these 2 weeks and although he has caused me pain and slowed down time, he still feels a genuine part of myself. In rehearsal today, as I was deciding the best way that I should take him off, I could feel myself starting to release a lot of emotional stress and relief, but also a sense loss. The majority of the people around me have been incredibly supportive and I am extremely thankful for this. Stranger's reactions and support have been positive and the publicity has, at times, been overwhelming. Ridley represents all these reactions and feelings. Is to lose Ridley, losing all of this? I have got used to people staring, pointing and even laughing at me as I walk from place to place. These have become the norm and a small part of me does not want this to end. These two weeks have really started to feel like a journey; it seems an age ago when I first walked out of the Aphra and immediately tripped over, a lot has changed in my attitude towards Ridley and the project since then. He is no longer a puppet, he is something that has shaped and lead my identity and life. We have begun to understand one another in terms of everyday practicalities. The process, however, does feels like it is naturally needing to draw to an end. There are major parts of the construction that are feeling the pressure of the weight of Ridley, being under constant strain throughout the day. Likewise my bruises and sores from the constant friction when walking have started to become a problem. In under 24hours it will be over, and a new chapter of Ridley's "life" begins.

---