I have reached the stage of resentment for Ridley. I am in constant discomfort. My shoulders are tender, my legs are not in a good way and walking up the hill to campus is becoming almost unachievable. Ridley is a burden that no longer holds the sense of unity, even when we are fully attached together. We are used to having objects around us making our lives easier and having practical uses: Ridley is none of these things. Even his persona is starting to fade when manipulating him. This is an affect of my physical state, I am lacking the energy in rehearsals to push the puppetry and in everyday life I am starting to loose this altogether. My posture is slipping which means Ridley's follows, making him slip down, knees bent. The piece of metal that supports his hips has also bent so they are dragged down by the weight of the legs, making everything harder. I feel like I am nearing the wall with Ridley, but if it comes before Wednesday I hopefully will be able to break through.
This exhaustion has bred other negative thoughts. In rehearsal, for the performance on Wednesday in which Ridley will be removed, it no longer felt like a celebration of Ridley's life, more of a relief it is finally coming off. This comes from a part of myself that Ridley is absent from, not one that Ridley likes. After this we went to feed the ducks today, which I thought could be quite fun and insightful into Ridley's attitude towards other living creatures, aside from humans. Although he found them intriguing he was greatly put off them as they did not like Ridley. They were scared, not coming very close and running away at the slightest movement. It feels like no living thing will accept him, perhaps this is because he is the dead amongst the living.